I got really excited after that physio. All the mobilizing exercises, the encouragement, and the prospect of improvement were probably a little too thrilling, and I pushed a bit too far the next day – too many steps too fast without crutches.

Specifically, my calf got tight, which became increasingly uncomfortable. It’s nothing serious, but it was a good reminder that everything is connected in our bodies, and to take it slower. I took it much easier yesterday, using a crutch for longer stretches – this helped a lot, and today my calf feels good and I’m better for it.

I’m happy for where I’m at, but I’m also lamenting the lost summer/half a year. There’s no sugar-coating it. I’ve spent the past two months healing, and will spend at least the next four months rehabbing. Best case scenario is returning to some semblance of normal by October.

At the speed that time seems to go by, and the two, maybe three dozen summers I have left – it feels like a waste. I know, I know. Perspective. Lower your expectations. Pay attention to the little things. Practice mindfulness.

And yet.

Every once in a while, I catch my breath wondering about what may truly be lost; all the what-ifs, the little things that might be unachievable in my post-injury life. My wife loves to garden, and I often like to help her. Will I be able to step a shovel into earth?

I saw a newspaper article on ‘the ideal running stride.’ Not that I was a runner before, but it was uncomfortable realizing that I have literally zero association with a story like that, and may never again.

Yesterday, I had a visceral experience, feeling the heat of the sun on my body while the air smelled of summer. It reminded me right away of the long bike rides I like to take: 3-4 hours, covering 80-100 kilometres, glistening skin, dried sweat on my outfit, exhausting every muscle fibre in my legs and feeling completely depleted but full of joy and gratitude upon returning home. Will I get (or even choose) to take those rides again?

I am telling myself that I need to remain open-minded, focused on the present and avoid being so dire and absolutist in my thinking. At the same time, there is no denying that my reality is pretty crummy.