Ugh, I think this is a thing now.

I woke up at 430 AM in discomfort, soon realizing that it had been 8 hours since my last pain meds (way outside the normal 4-6 hour interval). I tossed and turned (as much as one can do in a leg brace) for the next two hours, getting some sleep, but waking up for good at 645 AM.

The knee pain is, overall, much improved. Without medication, it’s still aching and sore inside, a solid 5 out of 10. Maybe a 6? But compared to last week, the progress is encouraging.

On the other hand, yesterday’s quad pain returned. It felt less like a cramp this time, and more like a super-reactive dry needling session. Pin-pricks and pulses and dull pain all over the front of my thigh. As I said, ugh.

As I hobbled around, getting the kids and myself fed, I wondered if this is the type of pain I can look forward to as I rebuild my leg over the coming months.

I’ve started using the word ‘shrivelled’ a lot over the last couple days. It’s the first word that comes to mind to describe my right quadriceps muscle. It used to be a grape and now it’s a raisin. My wife doesn’t like it, but I think it’s apt and aptly pejorative given how I feel about it. I haven’t used the quad (or according to CoPilot, it has ’shut down’) since the injury on April 16.

I love my quads. (sorry, indulge my vanity for a minute.) I didn’t have discernible quadriceps for most of my life, until I took up rowing in 2010. Falling in love with that sport, and then a couple years later falling in love with cycling, I watched my leg muscles grow and define with ridiculous glee. Having great (ok, fine, ‘good’) quads is very satisfying, besides all the health and stability benefits of a strong lower body. But I digress…

On April 16, I went from at least 3 hours of activity per day to literally zero, and it’s 19 days and counting. While to be expected, it is nonetheless horrifying. So much so, that I deleted my Strava app and stopped wearing my Apple Watch, so I won’t be reminded about my plummeting health and exercise behaviours.

So yeah, my right quad is shrivelling up. My left one isn’t doing so great either, but at least it’s activated and engaged once in a while. Is there any end in sight? I think so. As I’ve said before, I expect (hope) that my surgical follow-up the day after tomorrow will be productive and if all looks good, then I can begin to rehab.

Based on what I’ve read elsewhere, it will be a very deliberate, gradual and incremental protocol of slowly increasing knee flexion, weight bearing and regaining strength in the hips, glutes and legs. I’ll keep the brace on for a while yet, but gradually working on more mobility and strength so I can start using the brace less and less. Crutches are here for a while longer, too, I think – and who knows, maybe a cane for short time? Just guessing.

Based on reading about others’ experiences, I expect that there will be good days and bad days – gains and losses – in a non-linear and sometimes frustrating fashion. And it will be painful (how, yet, I’m not sure) but productive.

I thought about all this earlier today, and wondered if the dull ache throughout my quad is the kind of pain I can expect to be living with as I start to rebuild. It was as if millions of muscle fibres suddenly cried out in terror after being suddenly silenced. Indeed, Obi-Wan, something terrible has happened.